Countdown to "D-Day"

3IN THE BEGINNING4

Our middle child, a son (8), has had noticeable anger issues since about age four. With almost no warning, something in him will just snap and there is no reasoning or otherwise reining him in. The trigger could be as simple as us not having the cereal he wanted for breakfast or just receiving a "no" when asking for something. When he explodes, he is nearly beyond reason...even when he knows he's losing privileges out the wazoo.

As of late, however, the trigger has been his 2-year-old sister. And it's true, she does know how to push his buttons. She is in what my pediatrician optimistically calls the "terrific" twos. (Forgive me...I'm often the glass-half-empty kind of girl.) So, the rather typical outbursts of someone her age are escalating because of the anger outbursts she's been witnessing.

And so we arrived at May 2008...a generally "regular" pastor's family with good kids (two identified as gifted, including the son with the anger issue, and all three creative, fun, and generally obedient)...yet usually at least one big scene a day (almost always at home, thank goodness, though most of our relatives have been the lucky viewers of the meltdown and resulting chaos). I say chaos because between the 2-year-old jumping on the bandwagon and my husband and/or I raising our voices (okay, yelling) to try to regain control of the situation, it definitely resembles a zoo. Frankly, I'd had enough.

I am a proponent of seeking treatment from mental health professionals when necessary. In my opinion, we had definitely arrived at that point. Basically, I wanted to talk to a psychologist who could help us understand what was going on with our son and how we could "fix" it. I was open to that involving medication (he, unfortunately, seems to have inherited my anxiety) but was hoping we wouldn't have to start with it.

And so I made the call...


3SITTING ON THE COUCH4

So, we ended up at a counseling facility with a psychiatrist and psychologists on staff, but our pediatrican had recommended one of their licensed clinical social workers who specialized in children, family therapy, and anxiety. Sure, I could see the fit, but I won't lie...I was a bit concerned that we weren't ending up with the true specialists. But that's who I made the appointment with anyway.

We had one appointment in May and a second last month. At our first appointment, the social worker asked what discipline plan we used in the home. I didn't have a good answer (more like, a dab of this, dash of that). We've read or are fairly familiar with a lot of the discipline theories out there (Boundaries with Kids, Parenting with Love & Logic, etc.), especially Christian ones. When our kids were little, we used a "bean system" with a reward for filling up a jar by earning a bean each time our kids had good behavior and losing ones. We've done our share of counting to 3, time outs, and the occasional spanking. Frankly, we haven't had to implement many discipline measures with our eldest (a 10-year-old daughter), as she is a people-pleaser by nature and simply hates to disappoint us.

People always say that each child is unique...AMEN! It still awes me to think that you can raise three children in basically the same environment, and need a different "instruction manual" for each of them. Is that true even when you have nine or ten kids??? I assume so.

Anyway, the counselor suggested a discipline program called Positive Parenting with a Plan - F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules by Dr. Matthew Johnson. I ordered the book.


3FIRST IMPRESSIONS4

I read the book. Skimmed a few wordy sections (sorry, Dr. Johnson...but in similar fashion to your authoring comment, I'm the reader and I can read it the way I want to). Had to get used to the Dr.'s seemingly cocky sense of humor. Learned it is basically a finely-crafted "reward and punishment" system which encourages positive behaviors and attitudes for the whole family. I am confident that is a lousy description, so I will include a paragraph from the http://www.family-rules.com/ website.

In a nutshell, “Positive Parenting with a Plan: FAMILY Rules” is a research-based parenting program that really, really, really works. Why? Well, there are a couple reasons why: (1) it was not formed in an “Ivory Tower” on a university campus setting. Rather, it was formed in the foxholes and trenches on the “Battlefield of Parental Warfare” with input from real living, breathing moms, dads, and kids; (2) it is philosophically based in the “Hierarchy Model” rather than “King Arthur’s Round Table”. In other words, this parenting program supports “parental authority” in the home rather than undermining it like other parenting programs do; and (3) This parenting program targets the entire “family system” for change – not just the child(ren). Everyone is required to improve on changing their attitudes and behaviors in a positive direction. Everyone wins with the “Positive Parenting with a Plan: FAMILY Rules” parenting program!!!

Decided it looked like a LOT of work to implement and decided to tuck it away for future use, perhaps.


3SUDDENLY, THE FUTURE ARRIVES4

My initial reservations with the program revolved around the fact that I envisioned my usually-sweet son having to do "good habit cards" (30-minute jobs for breaking rules, with rules being alloted 0-50 cards drawn for breaking them) for the rest of his life! I was afraid that if I would make him draw cards in the middle of a freak-out, it would escalate until he was holding the whole deck. And that whenever he was back in his rational mind, whether that be 15 minutes or 2 hours later, he would be heart-broken (both for breaking the rules and then having so many consequences).

I asked the social worker about this at our second visit. He suggested removing my son from the situation where he loses it (sending/carrying him to his room, if necessary) and then waiting until the outburst is completely over before handing out the cards. Not sure why I hadn't thought of this.

Shortly after this visit, we had a week FULL of outbursts and parenting frustrations. We truly needed a discipline makeover. I got the book back out (not on the shelf long enough to even have a speck of dust) and this time my husband read it, too. We decided to take the plunge starting Sunday, July 20, 2008...

...and this is where I'm going to record our journey.